Can't Believe...

that it has been so long since I have actually posted. I couldn't possibly catch you up with all that has been going on. It really isn't that I have been lazy about posting, it is that I got a MySpace account and I have been posting there. SORRY!

I am pretty pumped up about the outcome of the election. I have to say that I was not a huge Obama supporter, I was a Clinton girl all the way and when we lost the primaries, got screwed out of the nomination I pretty much swore that I would not vote for Obama. Here I was someone who actually like John McCain and thought that he was decent enough. Here I was an outraged Clinton supporter who didn't want to back Obama. Wasn't I the type of person that McCain was trying to capture? Well somehow he missed the ticket, or at least his campaigners did. I was on the wall as to who to vote for and although I didn't think that I could actually cast that vote for McCain, I didn't think that I could cast one for Obama. But in reality the more I listened to the 2 of them speak, the more I read Obama's plan, the more excited I became. Then the topper, McCain picked Sarah Palin. Are you kidding me, did they really think that women would vote for the ticket because of Palin? I think the woman is an insult to all women regardless of what you believe. That fact that she pretended to be educated and actually answered some of the interview questions the way she did killed me. So I really started to research Obama and what he wanted to do and I just fell in love with him and his ideas. I know that there are some out there that don't like him, but I just feel like he will change things and things will start to get better. It's not going to happen overnight, it may take the whole 4 years to really see a difference, but then again we are in such a mess that nothing can be solved quickly. He is going to have to make change, but it is going to have to come gradually and slowly and he is going to have to go to the middle to do it. Unless we become one country again, nothing can be solved. I can say though that for the first time in a long time I am once again proud to be and American. I feel like we have accomplished so much and there is yet so much left to accomplish. But I do believe that the American people have spoken, and they have spoken loudly. You do not win an election the way President Elect Obama won unless all walks of life come out and vote for you. American has declared that we are ready for Change. So change shall come.

Lovin' my Wii Fit

I can't tell you how much I love my Wii Fit. It is simply the best thing that Nintendo has ever produced. Joe & Maryann surprised with the Wii in June when they came down for Logan's birthday and said it was a family gift and then my parents bought us the Wii Fit for our anniversary. I LOVE IT!!! And yes I am screaming that out loud. The Wii itself is very fun and we do have lots of family fun playing the different games, but the Wii Fit tops it all. Of course I am the only one in the house who really loves it, Eric just tolerates it and Logan tries really hard but has a hard time doing it. I love my balance games and the exercise is great. I love that the aerobics is games because it really makes it fun. I have put in my goal of losing weight and I am slowly, but surely doing it. I had lost like 4lbs when we first got it, but then camping I gained 4.5lbs so I was negative on the weight loss front. I have now brought myself back down to my starting point so that is not that bad. It only took one week. :) Hopefully I can take off another 5lbs or so before July ends and like 10lbs in August and that would be awesome. I really want to lose this weight because I hate the way I look. Well I don't hate it, I just miss me before the kids. I hate seeing women who have little babies and look like they never had one, that pisses me off. But, then again I know those women have probably worked really hard to look like that. I don't know, I have lost about 13lbs since Jan. so that is pretty exciting. This is the least that I have weighed since I had Logan. I would like to lose a total of 25lbs from where I am now, but I really don't want to just lose the weight. I want to lose the weight and tone my body at the same time. I don't want to be one of those flabby people. That is where the Wii Fit comes in. It is helping me accomplish both of my goals. I am toning up and losing weight. Yea for me!!! Hopefully by Christmas the weight will be gone, I will be toned and I will keep it off till next summer. Then I can go and buy myself a bikini. I think that is what ticks me off the most is that I am 28 and I wear a whole piece. I miss my bikini's and the truth is I don't have not a single stretch mark, so if I lost the weight and toned up my belly I could honestly wear one and look good. So now you know my goal. Please encourage me, I need all the help I can get.

Life Goes On...

It's strange to me that no matter what obstacles life throws my way I have but only one choice and it is to move forward. Even in the instance when I chose to sit still in time and not move forward, time moves on and life continues with or without me. There is no way for me to stop time from moving on without me. It is a hard concept to gather and accept when things are not going my way. It seems unfair and unjust, yet when things are wonderful it only seems all so logical. It doesn't seem fair that life should go on even when I am not ready to move forward and to progress into the future. It seems that I should be able to stop time and prepare myself for what life is going to throw at me. I guess all this is all a little crazy thinking and it comes about because this past week brought about some interesting topics of conversation and I really got to missing my grandmother. It's not that I ever stop missing her, I must miss her at least 5 times a day. I think of her, I want to call her, but I go on and I am okay with that. In those moments I am ready to move forth without her. It is in the grand scheme of things that I am not ready to move forth. It is when I look at the big picture, when I look at the future that I am not ready to go forth. It is then that I want to take time and hold it still until I can prepare myself for the future without her. I guess when she passed away it was only March and the year seemed so far away and yet life has continued without me noticing how quickly the days pass by. I realize that it is now mid-July and Aug. will be here soon. That will bring her birthday and the beginning of a new school year. That will bring the holidays much quicker than I want. Before I know it Halloween will be here and then it will be all down hill from there. The year will be over before I know it. I can't stop the holidays from coming, I can't stop a new year from coming and yet I want to so badly. I thought I would do okay if I could get through the summer and yet I think the worst is yet to come. I don't want the holidays to come, I don't want to do Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas without her. This was her favorite time of year and I don't want to celebrate without her being here. I don't want to dress the boys for Halloween and her not come to see them. I don't want to walk into my mom's house and her not be there. I don't want to go through all those months before Christmas without the 50+ annoying emails everyday about what she wants to get the boys and what she found and what she is returning. I don't want to do Christmas Eve and not have her there to hug and kiss and I definitely don't want to do Christmas morning and breakfast without her being here to watch the kids open their gifts. She loved to watch the kids open their gifts. She was here every year without doubt and she won't be this year. I don't want any of it to come and yet I know I can't do a damn thing to stop it from coming. And it's not fair and I am stomping my feet in anger and shaking my head like it might make a difference, but it doesn't. I can hear her telling me right now "This too shall pass." That I need to have faith in God's plan. Maybe she would be sending me her poem "Let Go, Let God" She would be giving me hope without me even knowing it and I of course would be auguring my head off. I would be contradicting each and every word she was saying, even though all the while I knew she was right. That was our relationship and how it worked. She would often say that all though we seldom agreed with each other we always loved each other. I just wonder if she knew how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her in my life. So maybe this too shall pass, I just don't think so and I don't understand how. I hate knowing that she will never be here again and that I can't change it. I hate knowing that my kids will only remember her by the stories I tell and the pictures I show them. I hate knowing that there is so much in life that she is going to miss when it comes to me and my sister. I hate that she won't be here. I hate most of all that I am still hurting so much and that I still miss her with all my heart. I want the pain to go away and I want to laugh more than I cry. I want to be able to talk about her again and laugh and time is not healing my pain so that I can get to those days. My worst fear is that I won't ever be able to talk about her without crying and hurting inside, that I won't be able to share happy memories with my boys and with my sister's kids when she has them, that I won't be able to let her live on through me. That is my worst fear. That is why I need to hold time still, so that I can prepare myself for what the future holds.

Mommy no more...

I couldn't decide where this post should go, on my blog or the boys blog. It seems that sometime in the last couple of weeks I have gone from "Mommy" to just plain ol' "Mom". Logan started calling me mom first, but of course Kolby picked it right up and instead of "Mama" I am now just "Ma". I have to be honest, I hate "Mom". It makes me sound so old, it makes my kids sound much older. I mean didn't they get the memo that you stay mommy for a long time, I mean at least until they are 10 or something. Anyways, I decided that this really has all to do with me and my feelings and very little to do with the boys. So all things considered I figured this should be on my blog and not theirs.

So here it goes, my rant, my rave, my sadness in saying good-bye to the title of "Mommy" and adapting to the new title of "Mom". I am not happy about this. It makes me sad and it makes me feel like I am losing my babies. And maybe you don't think it is such a big deal, but really it is. I mean when our kids are little they call us mommy so affectionately and then as they get older and more obnoxious they call us mom. I really am still a mommy, I mean my kids are 5 and barely 2. Give me a break. Where does Logan get off thinking that it is alright to call me mom? I asked him why he calls me mom and he said, "Well isn't that your name?" BRAT!!! I told him no, my name is mommy and he tells me "Well it's all the same thing" Umm , NO IT IS NOT!!! I swear, someone please send him the memo. And now he's got his brother doing the whole Ma thing and I swear that is even more annoying than Mom. The thing is I know my anger is stemming from my sadness and my heart hurting so bad. I just feel like it is one more slap in the face that my baby is really not a baby. I mean I can look at him and see that he is not a baby, but I didn't need that reminder constantly when he calls my name. Mommy just sounds like a little boy and it sounds just so much sweeter. Now I have Mom and that just sounds like a pre-teen who is getting on my nerves. It doesn't sound sweet when he is crying or begging for something, no it sounds obnoxious and it sounds irritating. It is the constant reminder that my little boy is quickly becoming something else. It is just plain out sucky that he is growing up. I don't know maybe I am taking it all a little hard, but really if you are not a mommy you just can't understand.

Those Dirty Little Secrets...

You know the ones that I am talking about. The secrets that we keep hidden in the depths of our soul. The secrets that we pretend don't exist. The secrets that we lie about and would never say out loud for fear that they might be true. You know those secrets if you are a woman. Some of them are silly, some of them are sound, some are down right horrible, and others we don't think about them much less speak of them. Well, recently we have begun to watch Moment of Truth on TV and I have to say I would love to go on the show. Not because I think I can get to the top, no I don't even want to get to 100 thousand dollars. Nope I just want to answer enough to get to 25 thousand and say thank you Mark and walk away. I always think about what kind of questions they could ask, I mean they can't ask anything about you before you turned 18, but then again I wasn't so bad before 18. I had my moments, but knowing that the college years or even the recent years are fair game leave me a little uneasy. I mean some of the questions that these people answer are just way more than I could say. I mean they ask those questions that the answers fall into the category of I do not want to say this out loud. I mean the way people hurt their families and end relationships is insane and all to make money. We always sit amazed at how little it takes for some to ruin a relationship or hurt a mother. How without even thinking they sit on national TV and say things about themselves. No I would never go on that show, even though the questions aren't so hard to get $25,000. I just couldn't risk my life and me the way those people do.

But it does get you wondering about the little things in life that we keep hidden. You know, those dirty little secrets. I mean Eric knows all there is to know about me when it come to things that I have done. But, how much does he know about how I really feel about life. Or even worse what about the secrets that we lie about so that no one really knows how we feel. Simple things that really don't matter, we just get into the routine of saying this or that and it's just not really what we feel. I wonder after digging what kind of questions would the show come up with and how would I answer them. I mean would I answer them honestly? Maybe what I thought was the truth wouldn't really be the truth. I mean that's kind of scary. So I have thought and thought about the questions that they would ask, I mean some of them are just questions that they ask of all married people on the show so I just assume they would ask me and others are things that I assume they will dig up when they interrogate my family and friends. So here are the questions, not the answers. Sorry, if you want the answers you will have to wait and see if I ever get the courage up to try out for the show.

Have you ever been attracted to another man since you met Eric? Have you ever regretted getting married so young? Have you ever regretted having your children so quickly after getting married? Have you ever felt like your miscarriages were your fault? Do you ever feel guilty that Kolby has Hemophilia? Have you ever done something with an other man since you met Eric that would upset him? Do you regret not finishing college before you got married? Do you want to have more children? Do you have the relationship with your mother that you want to have? Do you feel like you are a disappointment to your parents? Do you ever feel like Eric deserves someone better than yourself? Do you feel things were left unsaid before your grandmother died? Do you feel guilty that you didn't spend more time with your great-grandparents before they died? Do you feel that you are a good mother? Do you feel like Eric is still attracted to you? Do you believe that your husband would cheat on you?

Those are just some of the questions that I really wonder if I could answer honestly and if what I thought was honest would really be honest. It's an interesting exercise in self knowledge. I have actually thought of making a book of questions and answers that I go though and answer completely and honestly. I mean when we look deep down into our souls for the honest answer, we can often find it, even if it is not the answer that we like. I always think the one benefit from the show is that people have things out in the open, so no matter how screwed up things are at least it is out there and now they can work on it and move forward with it. I mean how many people lose someone that they love and they wish they had said this or they wish they had said that and now they can't. At least these people have the option of working things out and getting things said. Not a bad thing at all. Enough rambling for today.

He turned 5....

Sat. June 14th Logan turned 5 years old. That is such a big number for such a little boy. This is the age that I have been dreading since the day he was born. I knew at 5 I would have to send him off to elementary school all day long and I realized long ago that once that happens you get to the finish line way to fast. I just know that the next 13 years will fly by so fast. Before I even know it I won't recognize the man in front of me as the baby I gave birth to. He is already looking so much older, like a boy, not a toddler or a preschooler, but a boy. He is already so much smarter, you can't play those little tricks on him to get him to accept what you want him to. He is already questioning the world around him and asking amazing questions that I never thought to ask. 5 is such a big number and he barely resembles the baby that I knew. The baby that I held in my arms at countless doctors appointments, the baby that I begged to let go of the furniture and take that first step, the baby that crawled up to me and said "mama" for the first time. No he doesn't really resemble that baby anymore, but he doesn't resemble the toddler that I taught how to ride a tricycle. He doesn't resemble the toddler that tried to help his daddy mow the lawn or the the toddler we first took on a fishing boat. He doesn't resemble the toddler that we had to bribe into wearing a Halloween costume. No he doesn't resemble that toddler anymore, but he barely resembles the preschooler I took to school last year for his first day of VPK. He barley resembles the little guy who would come home and tell me about his three best girls or the little guy who did an amazing job at the Christmas Show and had a smile from one ear to the other. He barely resembles him and I only wonder where they all went. I am glad that I can still see them in my head and even sometimes when he kisses me good night I see that baby looking up at me and I have to smile that much bigger. But then I get sad, because I know all to well how quickly this will pass and one day I will be longing for this little boy and he too will only be a vision in my head. I think it is all so unfair how quickly our children grow and how quickly they disappear and change right before our very eyes. I use to tell people that I didn't mind getting up for midnight feedings or rocking my babies to sleep. People would tell me I was crazy to put them down in the crib and just let them go to sleep like that and not to feed them in the middle of the night because they were getting to big. I am so glad that I listened to my gut and that I did what I wanted, because every time I put Logan to bed was one more minute I had with him. And every time I got up at night was just a couple of more hours that I got to hold him and stare at his little baby face and hold his little baby hands. Those moments are few and far between in the grand scheme of life and I am so glad that I took them and cherished them for what they were. You can't get them back, no matter how hard you try. And trust me, I have tried.

Speaking of...

old friends, I got a birthday text message today from a very old friend. We met in college and we were best of friends right from the start. We did some crazy things together. She held my hand and wiped my tears through some really difficult times, she encouraged me when I needed it, we partied together, we even named a drink together...The Reddington...which I still drink sometimes when I am at a party. And the truth is every time I make that drink I think of her. She was there when I got engaged and she was a bridesmaid when I got married and she came and helped to clean my house a week after my first son was born. Needless to say she moved away and my life got really crazy with a constantly sick baby and the truth being I suck at staying in touch with people and we lost touch. I don't know why, because she is honestly the type of person you should never lose touch with. She is the type of person that you want to grow old with and re tell crazy stories with time and time again.

Today I got a text message asking wishing me birthday wishes and I called the number just to see who it was because I didn't have a clue. Needless to say I was mighty surprised at the voice on the other end of the phone. I was touched that such an old friend that I have loved for so many years would reach out and remember my birthday. I had been meaning to write her(point be taken of how crappy I am at keeping in touch) to let her know that I had lost my great-grandparents and my grandmother at the beginning of the year and she told me that she already knew because she had read my blog and then someone else filled her in. I was touched that she still reads my blog and thinks about me. You know sometimes you wonder if the people who meant so much to you actually felt that you meant something to them. Today I found out that our friendship was really mutual and that she must still think of me too. I was even more touched when I checked my mailbox(the snail mail) and I found a card with a very nice thought inside and I remembered all the great memories and why I loved her so dearly. I remembered what an awesome friend she had always been and will always be. I am really hoping that we can keep in touch better and when she comes home we can see each other once in a while and hopefully we will grow old and when we are old we will retell the stories about a drink called "The Reddington" time and time again.

You know who you are and now I know that you actually read this so thank you for making what wasn't such a great birthday an awesome birthday after all. I know Sylvia is up there working and making it great through those people in my life. I hope I get to see you soon...Thank you for all the great times we had and thank you for still being a friend.
Andrea

Friends...Old & New

Before everything went wrong at the beginning of the year I had acquired a mom's group here in Spring Hill. I really like the concept behind this group so I said sure I can handle it and didn't really appreciate how much work it takes to get it going and keep it running. Nor did I ever consider how hard it is to be the one in charge. Now that everything is over with and my life is trying to get back to normal I have been re-focused to this group and have been really trying to get it going again. YIKES!

I can say though that I really do enjoy most of the relationships that have been formed through mom's groups. I have had some friends going on 3 years and I have recently met some new, really cool moms that I love. Some of the old friends are friends that I knew and lost contact with and some are friends that have been true through the past 3 years. I am really glad to be rekindling some older relationships. I remember why I loved those moms in the first place. They are just good, fun, comical ladies that I can really share my days with. They make me laugh and they listen to me cry and they are more than willing to have a little more than a few drinks with me at MNO. They really understand what being a mom, wife, friend is all about. They understand what my life is right now, right here. They understand who I am. I know that I am blessed to share my life with these ladies and I am twice blessed that God continues to send new moms to our group when one mom chooses to leave. I am blessed with the new friendships that I am forming and that these ladies are just as awesome and totally fit in with us. I am truly blessed.

I encourage all moms to find a mom's group in their area. The friendship that other moms give is amazing and if not life saving, it is at least sanity saving. I know it has saved whatever sanity I have left.

One of Those Days...

It's only 9:34am as I sit here and write this, but after having breakfast with my 2 boys I can already tell it's going to be one of those days. You know what I am talking about if you have ever lost someone you loved so much, lost someone who made such an impact on your life you couldn't possibly explain it to someone so you worry that maybe with time that person's memory will slip away. It's one of those days where I am going to hold back tears all day long. It's one of those days where everything I do or everything I see is going to remind me of her. It's one of those days where all those regrets come flooding forth and even though I know I did good by her in life, I feel like I should have done so much more. One of those days where no matter how long or how hard I try I can't think of something I did to make her happy, just the things I did to piss her off. Yep, it's one of those days. I knew it was going to be one of those days around 3:30am when I woke up from a dream. A really weird dream, she called me on my cell phone and I knew she was gone, but I could hear her voice clear as day and I hand the phone to Eric and I say it's abuela and he says I'm crazy until he hears her voice and I say quick give me the phone so I can talk to her and he hangs it up and I all I can say is I wanted to say I love you, but I can't because she is gone. Yep, I knew it was going to be one of those days. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be really tough and I am going to have more of these days then the other kind of days. (You know the other kind of days, where the memories are good and they make you laugh and sometimes you can even pretend that she isn't gone...You know those kind of days) My birthday is Thurs. and Mother's Day is Sunday and we always celebrated them together, but not this year. This year we are doing them apart, because honestly it's just to hard. She always called me first thing in the morning and sang me happy birthday, no one to call me this year. Well, people will call me, but it won't be her. She won't be there when we blow out the candles. She hasn't called to say what do you want, not that I want anything, it's the routine of doing things a certain way and now it's not that way anymore. We always go to breakfast for Mother's Day and this year we are going to the cemetery first and then to breakfast. I am happy that we are going to the cemetery, because I want to take Logan. He is too little so he couldn't go into the room to see her, not just because I made the decision but because the hospital wouldn't let him. And he has had a rough time not being able to have said Good bye, so when I told him that we were going to the cemetery and that you can say whatever to a person there his little eyes got so big and said, I can say Good bye? I said yes you can and he said, Mommy I am finally going to be able to say Good bye. Poor baby, that's all he wanted, was to say good bye. Oh yeah, it's going to be one of those days.

Going Strong

Still not smoking, still on the diet and still haven't noticed a weight change. I am not suppose to weigh for one month so we shall see. I cheat sometimes at night or I miss breakfast and the diet says this first month is not all about losing weight and next month is when you really start the losing weight thing. YIPPEE! That's the month I want to jump to. But I do understand the point, this month I had to make sure I was eating three meals and two snacks, I had to make sure I was adding movement to my day, and I had to make sure I was taking my vitamins and supplements daily. I am doing all of these things, but I am not doing them everyday like I am suppose to be doing. So the book says that maybe you want to extend phase one till you have it down pat. So maybe no phase two for a couple of more weeks. Phase two is the losing weight phase and then phase three is the continue to lose or maintain phase. I really want to lose weight, but I want to be doing the other things really good when I get to that part. I have been eating healthier and using a lot of the recipes that I have found in the two books I have from the diet and once I hit phase two I will have a better idea of calories and what I should be eating to lose the weight that I want to lose. Right now, the way I feel at night I just simply hope I don't gain any weight this month.

Right now I am not really wanting a cigarette, just sometimes maybe, once in a while. But I am still looking for something to replace my smoking at night. Who knows what that will be. I have been trying to take a shower right after I eat and that is helping some and then we put the boys to bed, but still last night watching Nip Tuck I really wanted to pause it and go out to smoke. It's just a habit, now it is not the addiction of smoking it is purely the habit of smoking. I am still not drinking because I know that will push me over the edge and I don't want to go there.

As for now I am doing good and life is going along nicely. We have a ton of family time and I am really enjoying being home. Thinking maybe this weekend we can work on my room some and maybe I can get in there and start scrapbooking soon. Until next time!

Day 6

With 5 full days down and working on day 6 I guess it is time to talk about me and my quest to be smoke free. First of all if I am going to be totally honest about this then I have to say that I don't really want to quit smoking. I like smoking. It is an outlet for me. It is a social thing for me. It is something that I do to quite down at the end of a long day, it is a release of negative energy. I like smoking and it is something that I have done off and on for close to 12 years.

I quit smoking with each pregnancy and something brought me back each time. After Logan when I started and then quit it was because his doctor told us that the smoke on us was making Logan sick. I quit on my way out the office and I didn't really think about it unless I was drinking or something. I don't remember when I started again, but I know I was smoking at least casually when I got pregnant with Kolby. I think it was all the stress from the 2 miscarriages that took me back to smoking before Kolby. Then with Kolby I quit and when I went to work at Toys R Us at the beginning of 2007 I started smoking again because everyone else did and it was something to do. Basically I can use whatever excuse I want, but I started because the opportunity was there and I could and I wanted to.

So here we are 2008 and I am yet again quiting. It's not a resolution, I mean who keeps a resolution? So I didn't say it was my resolution, I just announced for weeks in advance that I was quiting with the new year. The new year came a little sooner than I expected, but all good things come to an end. I know that smoking is so bad for me and I know that I am going to kill myself one way or another if I keep smoking and I don't want that so here I am, giving up something I love an awful lot.

Day 6 and I am missing my cigarettes. During the day is not so hard, unless I am in the car. Night is a little harder because that is when I do the majority of my smoking. I can sense as soon as dinner is over that I am looking for that break that moment that belongs to me when I go outside and all is silence. So far it seems that with each passing day it is getting harder not easier and I am not sure what day 12 or day 16 is going to feel like. I know that I will find out sooner than later and hopefully life will get easier and I will find some substitute that will satisfy me. Hopefully.

A Must Read

for all women is It's All About Him by Denise Jackson. My mother in law gave it to me for Christmas and I read it in 2 days. It would have been a 1 day read if I had actually been home when I started it. The book was simply awesome. It was uplifting and honest and just so real. I can't put into words how it made me feel. It touched me in so many ways and made me think about so many things. All I can say is it is a must read. I already gave it to my mom to read and have told one of my best friends that she is next on the list to read it.

Jackson is just so honest about herself, her relationship with her husband, and her relationship with God. She doesn't mind saying how fake and insecure she was and how losing her husband taught her so much and how her renewed faith in God made her such a strong and amazing woman. She wants to tell you about her love affair with God and how through it she has become this amazingly strong and confident and secure person. AWESOME!!!

The book really made me think, about who I am, who I use to be, and most importantly who I want to be and what kind of life I want to have. Once again, all I can say is AWESOME! Go out and get the book and read it and reread it until you get the message and you can feel it in your heart.

Diet and other things...

So I started a semi diet. What I really mean is I bought The Best Life by Bob Greene and I splurged on the diet journal and now I have to sit down and read the book so I know what I am suppose to do. For now I am just really watching what I am eating and trying to cut out all of the junk food and alcohol. I also quite smoking and I am not liking it. I don't actually have any physical withdraw from quiting, it's more like the mental withdraw of really wanting a cigarette and not being able to have one. Actually it is not that I can't have one, it's that I have to constantly make the choice not to have one. But that is not bad either because obviously I am pretty strong willed if I simply have chosen not to smoke today. WOW, that makes it sound so easy. Trust me it has not been easy, but I do want to succeed so I am going to continue on this path. It's all about the better, happier me.

Today was pretty much back to the normal routine of things, whatever that means. Logan stayed home, so I had 2 kids with me all day instead of 1. Not so bad, we went for a 45 minute walk/bike ride. Kolby enjoyed the stroller and being outside. Logan enjoyed riding his bike and talking up a storm. I can't say that I enjoyed it, but it did feel good to get out for a while. It was already kind of warm out (at 10am) so in the shade it felt good and in the sun it stunk. Then we came home, had some lunch, watched Planet Heroes, got Kolby a nap, washed clothes, made the menu for the next 2 weeks. Then Eric got home we fixed dinner and I wrote up the grocery list and then we had dinner. Logan is at soccer practice and Kolby is watching the last few minutes of Noggin. Then it is bath time and cuddle time and then bed time. Logan should be home by then and it is the same for him. After they are in bed I am going to set up my 2008 calendar and make my to do list for tomorrow and then call it a day. Probably hit the sack early, maybe get in a little reading before bed. That's me, my life.

Out with the old, In with the New!

As I welcomed in 2008 and ushered out 2007 I sat there thinking about the changes I would like to make in this new year. The usual of course, more time with the family, more patience with my kids, be better with money, find more time for myself, and then the one that constantly looms over me year after year, to find real deep down inside happiness. Well this year I am going to do that. I am going to find that real deep down inside happiness. I am going to start by letting go of the old me. There is a new me in town and this me is not the one that most are expecting. I am finally going to listen to my mom and take it to heart, because as you all know mom's always know best. I now realize that I am me and people have to take me for who I am, not who they want me to be. If you truly love me then you must love me with my flaws and all. You can't only love a part of me or the parts that are what you want them to be. You can't constantly be knit picking at my flaws, you must love all of me. I can't go around constantly trying to make people happy and trying to be this way for one person and that way for another. I can't make anyone happy because the truth is you have to find happiness in yourself and then and only then can the acts of others bring you happiness. I find that I am constantly trying to be who I am not to keep peace in certain relationships in my life. I am trying to make people happy so that we can have a peaceful meaningful relationship. How meaningful of a relationship is it if I am not happy, if the relationships that I am building are being built on a sacrifice of myself and who I really am. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I long for the girl that I once was, who knew where she was going and knew who she was. That girl knew who loved her for who she was and she only kept those in her life. That girl knew what happiness was, you can see it in my photos from long ago. I am going to find my way back to that girl. I also realize that no matter what I do or what I say I can't make people something that they are not. I can't make a situation better, I can't resolve an issue with others. These are two way streets and if I am the only one in the relationship willing to try then things won't ever be better and I am even more unhappy than I was before. So from this point forward no more trying to make others happy. I will do my normal things in life and if someone finds happiness in that and finds pleasure in a relationship with me then I know that those people really love me because they are finding pleasure in the real me. If someone doesn't like me for who I am then they are welcome to walk out of my life and not be a part of it because I am not sacrificing myself anymore for someone else sake. I will accept that I am who I am and others are who they are and that sometimes no matter what you do two people are not meant to be friends. I will accept that I can only do what I can do and that I can only make it to the middle and if someone else can't walk to the middle with me then that relationship will never work because I can't make all the sacrifice on one side and the other person make none. I will tell people when they are doing things that are annoying to me or hurting me and I will not spare someone else feelings at the sake of my own. I know that in the year to come I will lose many relationships that once meant a lot to me, I know I will spend countless nights wondering why some of those people couldn't find it in them to really love me like I loved them, flaws and all. But in the end when I am cleansed of all these unhealthy relationships that are putting so much unhappiness into my life I will be happy and my marriage will thrive from it and my children will thrive and life will be better.

Happy 2008 and may you find the courage to do what you want to do!