He turned 5....

Sat. June 14th Logan turned 5 years old. That is such a big number for such a little boy. This is the age that I have been dreading since the day he was born. I knew at 5 I would have to send him off to elementary school all day long and I realized long ago that once that happens you get to the finish line way to fast. I just know that the next 13 years will fly by so fast. Before I even know it I won't recognize the man in front of me as the baby I gave birth to. He is already looking so much older, like a boy, not a toddler or a preschooler, but a boy. He is already so much smarter, you can't play those little tricks on him to get him to accept what you want him to. He is already questioning the world around him and asking amazing questions that I never thought to ask. 5 is such a big number and he barely resembles the baby that I knew. The baby that I held in my arms at countless doctors appointments, the baby that I begged to let go of the furniture and take that first step, the baby that crawled up to me and said "mama" for the first time. No he doesn't really resemble that baby anymore, but he doesn't resemble the toddler that I taught how to ride a tricycle. He doesn't resemble the toddler that tried to help his daddy mow the lawn or the the toddler we first took on a fishing boat. He doesn't resemble the toddler that we had to bribe into wearing a Halloween costume. No he doesn't resemble that toddler anymore, but he barely resembles the preschooler I took to school last year for his first day of VPK. He barley resembles the little guy who would come home and tell me about his three best girls or the little guy who did an amazing job at the Christmas Show and had a smile from one ear to the other. He barely resembles him and I only wonder where they all went. I am glad that I can still see them in my head and even sometimes when he kisses me good night I see that baby looking up at me and I have to smile that much bigger. But then I get sad, because I know all to well how quickly this will pass and one day I will be longing for this little boy and he too will only be a vision in my head. I think it is all so unfair how quickly our children grow and how quickly they disappear and change right before our very eyes. I use to tell people that I didn't mind getting up for midnight feedings or rocking my babies to sleep. People would tell me I was crazy to put them down in the crib and just let them go to sleep like that and not to feed them in the middle of the night because they were getting to big. I am so glad that I listened to my gut and that I did what I wanted, because every time I put Logan to bed was one more minute I had with him. And every time I got up at night was just a couple of more hours that I got to hold him and stare at his little baby face and hold his little baby hands. Those moments are few and far between in the grand scheme of life and I am so glad that I took them and cherished them for what they were. You can't get them back, no matter how hard you try. And trust me, I have tried.