Out with the old, In with the New!

As I welcomed in 2008 and ushered out 2007 I sat there thinking about the changes I would like to make in this new year. The usual of course, more time with the family, more patience with my kids, be better with money, find more time for myself, and then the one that constantly looms over me year after year, to find real deep down inside happiness. Well this year I am going to do that. I am going to find that real deep down inside happiness. I am going to start by letting go of the old me. There is a new me in town and this me is not the one that most are expecting. I am finally going to listen to my mom and take it to heart, because as you all know mom's always know best. I now realize that I am me and people have to take me for who I am, not who they want me to be. If you truly love me then you must love me with my flaws and all. You can't only love a part of me or the parts that are what you want them to be. You can't constantly be knit picking at my flaws, you must love all of me. I can't go around constantly trying to make people happy and trying to be this way for one person and that way for another. I can't make anyone happy because the truth is you have to find happiness in yourself and then and only then can the acts of others bring you happiness. I find that I am constantly trying to be who I am not to keep peace in certain relationships in my life. I am trying to make people happy so that we can have a peaceful meaningful relationship. How meaningful of a relationship is it if I am not happy, if the relationships that I am building are being built on a sacrifice of myself and who I really am. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I long for the girl that I once was, who knew where she was going and knew who she was. That girl knew who loved her for who she was and she only kept those in her life. That girl knew what happiness was, you can see it in my photos from long ago. I am going to find my way back to that girl. I also realize that no matter what I do or what I say I can't make people something that they are not. I can't make a situation better, I can't resolve an issue with others. These are two way streets and if I am the only one in the relationship willing to try then things won't ever be better and I am even more unhappy than I was before. So from this point forward no more trying to make others happy. I will do my normal things in life and if someone finds happiness in that and finds pleasure in a relationship with me then I know that those people really love me because they are finding pleasure in the real me. If someone doesn't like me for who I am then they are welcome to walk out of my life and not be a part of it because I am not sacrificing myself anymore for someone else sake. I will accept that I am who I am and others are who they are and that sometimes no matter what you do two people are not meant to be friends. I will accept that I can only do what I can do and that I can only make it to the middle and if someone else can't walk to the middle with me then that relationship will never work because I can't make all the sacrifice on one side and the other person make none. I will tell people when they are doing things that are annoying to me or hurting me and I will not spare someone else feelings at the sake of my own. I know that in the year to come I will lose many relationships that once meant a lot to me, I know I will spend countless nights wondering why some of those people couldn't find it in them to really love me like I loved them, flaws and all. But in the end when I am cleansed of all these unhealthy relationships that are putting so much unhappiness into my life I will be happy and my marriage will thrive from it and my children will thrive and life will be better.

Happy 2008 and may you find the courage to do what you want to do!