Lovin' my Wii Fit

I can't tell you how much I love my Wii Fit. It is simply the best thing that Nintendo has ever produced. Joe & Maryann surprised with the Wii in June when they came down for Logan's birthday and said it was a family gift and then my parents bought us the Wii Fit for our anniversary. I LOVE IT!!! And yes I am screaming that out loud. The Wii itself is very fun and we do have lots of family fun playing the different games, but the Wii Fit tops it all. Of course I am the only one in the house who really loves it, Eric just tolerates it and Logan tries really hard but has a hard time doing it. I love my balance games and the exercise is great. I love that the aerobics is games because it really makes it fun. I have put in my goal of losing weight and I am slowly, but surely doing it. I had lost like 4lbs when we first got it, but then camping I gained 4.5lbs so I was negative on the weight loss front. I have now brought myself back down to my starting point so that is not that bad. It only took one week. :) Hopefully I can take off another 5lbs or so before July ends and like 10lbs in August and that would be awesome. I really want to lose this weight because I hate the way I look. Well I don't hate it, I just miss me before the kids. I hate seeing women who have little babies and look like they never had one, that pisses me off. But, then again I know those women have probably worked really hard to look like that. I don't know, I have lost about 13lbs since Jan. so that is pretty exciting. This is the least that I have weighed since I had Logan. I would like to lose a total of 25lbs from where I am now, but I really don't want to just lose the weight. I want to lose the weight and tone my body at the same time. I don't want to be one of those flabby people. That is where the Wii Fit comes in. It is helping me accomplish both of my goals. I am toning up and losing weight. Yea for me!!! Hopefully by Christmas the weight will be gone, I will be toned and I will keep it off till next summer. Then I can go and buy myself a bikini. I think that is what ticks me off the most is that I am 28 and I wear a whole piece. I miss my bikini's and the truth is I don't have not a single stretch mark, so if I lost the weight and toned up my belly I could honestly wear one and look good. So now you know my goal. Please encourage me, I need all the help I can get.

Life Goes On...

It's strange to me that no matter what obstacles life throws my way I have but only one choice and it is to move forward. Even in the instance when I chose to sit still in time and not move forward, time moves on and life continues with or without me. There is no way for me to stop time from moving on without me. It is a hard concept to gather and accept when things are not going my way. It seems unfair and unjust, yet when things are wonderful it only seems all so logical. It doesn't seem fair that life should go on even when I am not ready to move forward and to progress into the future. It seems that I should be able to stop time and prepare myself for what life is going to throw at me. I guess all this is all a little crazy thinking and it comes about because this past week brought about some interesting topics of conversation and I really got to missing my grandmother. It's not that I ever stop missing her, I must miss her at least 5 times a day. I think of her, I want to call her, but I go on and I am okay with that. In those moments I am ready to move forth without her. It is in the grand scheme of things that I am not ready to move forth. It is when I look at the big picture, when I look at the future that I am not ready to go forth. It is then that I want to take time and hold it still until I can prepare myself for the future without her. I guess when she passed away it was only March and the year seemed so far away and yet life has continued without me noticing how quickly the days pass by. I realize that it is now mid-July and Aug. will be here soon. That will bring her birthday and the beginning of a new school year. That will bring the holidays much quicker than I want. Before I know it Halloween will be here and then it will be all down hill from there. The year will be over before I know it. I can't stop the holidays from coming, I can't stop a new year from coming and yet I want to so badly. I thought I would do okay if I could get through the summer and yet I think the worst is yet to come. I don't want the holidays to come, I don't want to do Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas without her. This was her favorite time of year and I don't want to celebrate without her being here. I don't want to dress the boys for Halloween and her not come to see them. I don't want to walk into my mom's house and her not be there. I don't want to go through all those months before Christmas without the 50+ annoying emails everyday about what she wants to get the boys and what she found and what she is returning. I don't want to do Christmas Eve and not have her there to hug and kiss and I definitely don't want to do Christmas morning and breakfast without her being here to watch the kids open their gifts. She loved to watch the kids open their gifts. She was here every year without doubt and she won't be this year. I don't want any of it to come and yet I know I can't do a damn thing to stop it from coming. And it's not fair and I am stomping my feet in anger and shaking my head like it might make a difference, but it doesn't. I can hear her telling me right now "This too shall pass." That I need to have faith in God's plan. Maybe she would be sending me her poem "Let Go, Let God" She would be giving me hope without me even knowing it and I of course would be auguring my head off. I would be contradicting each and every word she was saying, even though all the while I knew she was right. That was our relationship and how it worked. She would often say that all though we seldom agreed with each other we always loved each other. I just wonder if she knew how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her in my life. So maybe this too shall pass, I just don't think so and I don't understand how. I hate knowing that she will never be here again and that I can't change it. I hate knowing that my kids will only remember her by the stories I tell and the pictures I show them. I hate knowing that there is so much in life that she is going to miss when it comes to me and my sister. I hate that she won't be here. I hate most of all that I am still hurting so much and that I still miss her with all my heart. I want the pain to go away and I want to laugh more than I cry. I want to be able to talk about her again and laugh and time is not healing my pain so that I can get to those days. My worst fear is that I won't ever be able to talk about her without crying and hurting inside, that I won't be able to share happy memories with my boys and with my sister's kids when she has them, that I won't be able to let her live on through me. That is my worst fear. That is why I need to hold time still, so that I can prepare myself for what the future holds.