It's strange to me that no matter what obstacles life throws my way I have but only one choice and it is to move forward. Even in the instance when I chose to sit still in time and not move forward, time moves on and life continues with or without me. There is no way for me to stop time from moving on without me. It is a hard concept to gather and accept when things are not going my way. It seems unfair and unjust, yet when things are wonderful it only seems all so logical. It doesn't seem fair that life should go on even when I am not ready to move forward and to progress into the future. It seems that I should be able to stop time and prepare myself for what life is going to throw at me. I guess all this is all a little crazy thinking and it comes about because this past week brought about some interesting topics of conversation and I really got to missing my grandmother. It's not that I ever stop missing her, I must miss her at least 5 times a day. I think of her, I want to call her, but I go on and I am okay with that. In those moments I am ready to move forth without her. It is in the grand scheme of things that I am not ready to move forth. It is when I look at the big picture, when I look at the future that I am not ready to go forth. It is then that I want to take time and hold it still until I can prepare myself for the future without her. I guess when she passed away it was only March and the year seemed so far away and yet life has continued without me noticing how quickly the days pass by. I realize that it is now mid-July and Aug. will be here soon. That will bring her birthday and the beginning of a new school year. That will bring the holidays much quicker than I want. Before I know it Halloween will be here and then it will be all down hill from there. The year will be over before I know it. I can't stop the holidays from coming, I can't stop a new year from coming and yet I want to so badly. I thought I would do okay if I could get through the summer and yet I think the worst is yet to come. I don't want the holidays to come, I don't want to do Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas without her. This was her favorite time of year and I don't want to celebrate without her being here. I don't want to dress the boys for Halloween and her not come to see them. I don't want to walk into my mom's house and her not be there. I don't want to go through all those months before Christmas without the 50+ annoying emails everyday about what she wants to get the boys and what she found and what she is returning. I don't want to do Christmas Eve and not have her there to hug and kiss and I definitely don't want to do Christmas morning and breakfast without her being here to watch the kids open their gifts. She loved to watch the kids open their gifts. She was here every year without doubt and she won't be this year. I don't want any of it to come and yet I know I can't do a damn thing to stop it from coming. And it's not fair and I am stomping my feet in anger and shaking my head like it might make a difference, but it doesn't. I can hear her telling me right now "This too shall pass." That I need to have faith in God's plan. Maybe she would be sending me her poem "Let Go, Let God" She would be giving me hope without me even knowing it and I of course would be auguring my head off. I would be contradicting each and every word she was saying, even though all the while I knew she was right. That was our relationship and how it worked. She would often say that all though we seldom agreed with each other we always loved each other. I just wonder if she knew how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her in my life. So maybe this too shall pass, I just don't think so and I don't understand how. I hate knowing that she will never be here again and that I can't change it. I hate knowing that my kids will only remember her by the stories I tell and the pictures I show them. I hate knowing that there is so much in life that she is going to miss when it comes to me and my sister. I hate that she won't be here. I hate most of all that I am still hurting so much and that I still miss her with all my heart. I want the pain to go away and I want to laugh more than I cry. I want to be able to talk about her again and laugh and time is not healing my pain so that I can get to those days. My worst fear is that I won't ever be able to talk about her without crying and hurting inside, that I won't be able to share happy memories with my boys and with my sister's kids when she has them, that I won't be able to let her live on through me. That is my worst fear. That is why I need to hold time still, so that I can prepare myself for what the future holds.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Life Goes On...
It's strange to me that no matter what obstacles life throws my way I have but only one choice and it is to move forward. Even in the instance when I chose to sit still in time and not move forward, time moves on and life continues with or without me. There is no way for me to stop time from moving on without me. It is a hard concept to gather and accept when things are not going my way. It seems unfair and unjust, yet when things are wonderful it only seems all so logical. It doesn't seem fair that life should go on even when I am not ready to move forward and to progress into the future. It seems that I should be able to stop time and prepare myself for what life is going to throw at me. I guess all this is all a little crazy thinking and it comes about because this past week brought about some interesting topics of conversation and I really got to missing my grandmother. It's not that I ever stop missing her, I must miss her at least 5 times a day. I think of her, I want to call her, but I go on and I am okay with that. In those moments I am ready to move forth without her. It is in the grand scheme of things that I am not ready to move forth. It is when I look at the big picture, when I look at the future that I am not ready to go forth. It is then that I want to take time and hold it still until I can prepare myself for the future without her. I guess when she passed away it was only March and the year seemed so far away and yet life has continued without me noticing how quickly the days pass by. I realize that it is now mid-July and Aug. will be here soon. That will bring her birthday and the beginning of a new school year. That will bring the holidays much quicker than I want. Before I know it Halloween will be here and then it will be all down hill from there. The year will be over before I know it. I can't stop the holidays from coming, I can't stop a new year from coming and yet I want to so badly. I thought I would do okay if I could get through the summer and yet I think the worst is yet to come. I don't want the holidays to come, I don't want to do Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas without her. This was her favorite time of year and I don't want to celebrate without her being here. I don't want to dress the boys for Halloween and her not come to see them. I don't want to walk into my mom's house and her not be there. I don't want to go through all those months before Christmas without the 50+ annoying emails everyday about what she wants to get the boys and what she found and what she is returning. I don't want to do Christmas Eve and not have her there to hug and kiss and I definitely don't want to do Christmas morning and breakfast without her being here to watch the kids open their gifts. She loved to watch the kids open their gifts. She was here every year without doubt and she won't be this year. I don't want any of it to come and yet I know I can't do a damn thing to stop it from coming. And it's not fair and I am stomping my feet in anger and shaking my head like it might make a difference, but it doesn't. I can hear her telling me right now "This too shall pass." That I need to have faith in God's plan. Maybe she would be sending me her poem "Let Go, Let God" She would be giving me hope without me even knowing it and I of course would be auguring my head off. I would be contradicting each and every word she was saying, even though all the while I knew she was right. That was our relationship and how it worked. She would often say that all though we seldom agreed with each other we always loved each other. I just wonder if she knew how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her in my life. So maybe this too shall pass, I just don't think so and I don't understand how. I hate knowing that she will never be here again and that I can't change it. I hate knowing that my kids will only remember her by the stories I tell and the pictures I show them. I hate knowing that there is so much in life that she is going to miss when it comes to me and my sister. I hate that she won't be here. I hate most of all that I am still hurting so much and that I still miss her with all my heart. I want the pain to go away and I want to laugh more than I cry. I want to be able to talk about her again and laugh and time is not healing my pain so that I can get to those days. My worst fear is that I won't ever be able to talk about her without crying and hurting inside, that I won't be able to share happy memories with my boys and with my sister's kids when she has them, that I won't be able to let her live on through me. That is my worst fear. That is why I need to hold time still, so that I can prepare myself for what the future holds.
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2 comments:
My love goes out to you. There is nothing anyone can ever say to take away the hurt, and honestly I don't know if the tears ever fade. I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it something that is so close to your heart that you can't help the emotions from flowing out of you. For example when you think back to the birth of you boys, or the day you were married, or when Eric asked you to marry him. One day you're eyes will be filled with tears because you'll be filled with a nestalgic emotion. It's been 10 years, and I can tell you I still think about my grandmother, I still get emotional when I talk about her, and I still hear her yelling me. Believe me, I always offer ice, set the table with everything matching, and I never use paper plates with company! I smile now, but every now and then...I'm sad that she has missed some of the best days of my life. Yet, she was a part of made me who I am today. She is the reason I hold on to tradition, family, and loyalty. I am a little piece of her. By keeping tradition close to your heart she will live on in you forever. Teach your boys the things that annoyed you, and the things you loved. Tell your stories with a smile and tear, and at the holidays when you feel like you want the day to just pass...look at your boys, look at your family, and know that her love will always be with you. The last thing she wants is for you to hurt and not enjoy these next few years creating new traditions with the old. This is your time to let your grandmas love and wisdom shine through you!
XOXXOOOO
Thank you...I needed to hear that!
xoxo
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