Going Strong

Still not smoking, still on the diet and still haven't noticed a weight change. I am not suppose to weigh for one month so we shall see. I cheat sometimes at night or I miss breakfast and the diet says this first month is not all about losing weight and next month is when you really start the losing weight thing. YIPPEE! That's the month I want to jump to. But I do understand the point, this month I had to make sure I was eating three meals and two snacks, I had to make sure I was adding movement to my day, and I had to make sure I was taking my vitamins and supplements daily. I am doing all of these things, but I am not doing them everyday like I am suppose to be doing. So the book says that maybe you want to extend phase one till you have it down pat. So maybe no phase two for a couple of more weeks. Phase two is the losing weight phase and then phase three is the continue to lose or maintain phase. I really want to lose weight, but I want to be doing the other things really good when I get to that part. I have been eating healthier and using a lot of the recipes that I have found in the two books I have from the diet and once I hit phase two I will have a better idea of calories and what I should be eating to lose the weight that I want to lose. Right now, the way I feel at night I just simply hope I don't gain any weight this month.

Right now I am not really wanting a cigarette, just sometimes maybe, once in a while. But I am still looking for something to replace my smoking at night. Who knows what that will be. I have been trying to take a shower right after I eat and that is helping some and then we put the boys to bed, but still last night watching Nip Tuck I really wanted to pause it and go out to smoke. It's just a habit, now it is not the addiction of smoking it is purely the habit of smoking. I am still not drinking because I know that will push me over the edge and I don't want to go there.

As for now I am doing good and life is going along nicely. We have a ton of family time and I am really enjoying being home. Thinking maybe this weekend we can work on my room some and maybe I can get in there and start scrapbooking soon. Until next time!

Day 6

With 5 full days down and working on day 6 I guess it is time to talk about me and my quest to be smoke free. First of all if I am going to be totally honest about this then I have to say that I don't really want to quit smoking. I like smoking. It is an outlet for me. It is a social thing for me. It is something that I do to quite down at the end of a long day, it is a release of negative energy. I like smoking and it is something that I have done off and on for close to 12 years.

I quit smoking with each pregnancy and something brought me back each time. After Logan when I started and then quit it was because his doctor told us that the smoke on us was making Logan sick. I quit on my way out the office and I didn't really think about it unless I was drinking or something. I don't remember when I started again, but I know I was smoking at least casually when I got pregnant with Kolby. I think it was all the stress from the 2 miscarriages that took me back to smoking before Kolby. Then with Kolby I quit and when I went to work at Toys R Us at the beginning of 2007 I started smoking again because everyone else did and it was something to do. Basically I can use whatever excuse I want, but I started because the opportunity was there and I could and I wanted to.

So here we are 2008 and I am yet again quiting. It's not a resolution, I mean who keeps a resolution? So I didn't say it was my resolution, I just announced for weeks in advance that I was quiting with the new year. The new year came a little sooner than I expected, but all good things come to an end. I know that smoking is so bad for me and I know that I am going to kill myself one way or another if I keep smoking and I don't want that so here I am, giving up something I love an awful lot.

Day 6 and I am missing my cigarettes. During the day is not so hard, unless I am in the car. Night is a little harder because that is when I do the majority of my smoking. I can sense as soon as dinner is over that I am looking for that break that moment that belongs to me when I go outside and all is silence. So far it seems that with each passing day it is getting harder not easier and I am not sure what day 12 or day 16 is going to feel like. I know that I will find out sooner than later and hopefully life will get easier and I will find some substitute that will satisfy me. Hopefully.

A Must Read

for all women is It's All About Him by Denise Jackson. My mother in law gave it to me for Christmas and I read it in 2 days. It would have been a 1 day read if I had actually been home when I started it. The book was simply awesome. It was uplifting and honest and just so real. I can't put into words how it made me feel. It touched me in so many ways and made me think about so many things. All I can say is it is a must read. I already gave it to my mom to read and have told one of my best friends that she is next on the list to read it.

Jackson is just so honest about herself, her relationship with her husband, and her relationship with God. She doesn't mind saying how fake and insecure she was and how losing her husband taught her so much and how her renewed faith in God made her such a strong and amazing woman. She wants to tell you about her love affair with God and how through it she has become this amazingly strong and confident and secure person. AWESOME!!!

The book really made me think, about who I am, who I use to be, and most importantly who I want to be and what kind of life I want to have. Once again, all I can say is AWESOME! Go out and get the book and read it and reread it until you get the message and you can feel it in your heart.

Diet and other things...

So I started a semi diet. What I really mean is I bought The Best Life by Bob Greene and I splurged on the diet journal and now I have to sit down and read the book so I know what I am suppose to do. For now I am just really watching what I am eating and trying to cut out all of the junk food and alcohol. I also quite smoking and I am not liking it. I don't actually have any physical withdraw from quiting, it's more like the mental withdraw of really wanting a cigarette and not being able to have one. Actually it is not that I can't have one, it's that I have to constantly make the choice not to have one. But that is not bad either because obviously I am pretty strong willed if I simply have chosen not to smoke today. WOW, that makes it sound so easy. Trust me it has not been easy, but I do want to succeed so I am going to continue on this path. It's all about the better, happier me.

Today was pretty much back to the normal routine of things, whatever that means. Logan stayed home, so I had 2 kids with me all day instead of 1. Not so bad, we went for a 45 minute walk/bike ride. Kolby enjoyed the stroller and being outside. Logan enjoyed riding his bike and talking up a storm. I can't say that I enjoyed it, but it did feel good to get out for a while. It was already kind of warm out (at 10am) so in the shade it felt good and in the sun it stunk. Then we came home, had some lunch, watched Planet Heroes, got Kolby a nap, washed clothes, made the menu for the next 2 weeks. Then Eric got home we fixed dinner and I wrote up the grocery list and then we had dinner. Logan is at soccer practice and Kolby is watching the last few minutes of Noggin. Then it is bath time and cuddle time and then bed time. Logan should be home by then and it is the same for him. After they are in bed I am going to set up my 2008 calendar and make my to do list for tomorrow and then call it a day. Probably hit the sack early, maybe get in a little reading before bed. That's me, my life.

Out with the old, In with the New!

As I welcomed in 2008 and ushered out 2007 I sat there thinking about the changes I would like to make in this new year. The usual of course, more time with the family, more patience with my kids, be better with money, find more time for myself, and then the one that constantly looms over me year after year, to find real deep down inside happiness. Well this year I am going to do that. I am going to find that real deep down inside happiness. I am going to start by letting go of the old me. There is a new me in town and this me is not the one that most are expecting. I am finally going to listen to my mom and take it to heart, because as you all know mom's always know best. I now realize that I am me and people have to take me for who I am, not who they want me to be. If you truly love me then you must love me with my flaws and all. You can't only love a part of me or the parts that are what you want them to be. You can't constantly be knit picking at my flaws, you must love all of me. I can't go around constantly trying to make people happy and trying to be this way for one person and that way for another. I can't make anyone happy because the truth is you have to find happiness in yourself and then and only then can the acts of others bring you happiness. I find that I am constantly trying to be who I am not to keep peace in certain relationships in my life. I am trying to make people happy so that we can have a peaceful meaningful relationship. How meaningful of a relationship is it if I am not happy, if the relationships that I am building are being built on a sacrifice of myself and who I really am. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I long for the girl that I once was, who knew where she was going and knew who she was. That girl knew who loved her for who she was and she only kept those in her life. That girl knew what happiness was, you can see it in my photos from long ago. I am going to find my way back to that girl. I also realize that no matter what I do or what I say I can't make people something that they are not. I can't make a situation better, I can't resolve an issue with others. These are two way streets and if I am the only one in the relationship willing to try then things won't ever be better and I am even more unhappy than I was before. So from this point forward no more trying to make others happy. I will do my normal things in life and if someone finds happiness in that and finds pleasure in a relationship with me then I know that those people really love me because they are finding pleasure in the real me. If someone doesn't like me for who I am then they are welcome to walk out of my life and not be a part of it because I am not sacrificing myself anymore for someone else sake. I will accept that I am who I am and others are who they are and that sometimes no matter what you do two people are not meant to be friends. I will accept that I can only do what I can do and that I can only make it to the middle and if someone else can't walk to the middle with me then that relationship will never work because I can't make all the sacrifice on one side and the other person make none. I will tell people when they are doing things that are annoying to me or hurting me and I will not spare someone else feelings at the sake of my own. I know that in the year to come I will lose many relationships that once meant a lot to me, I know I will spend countless nights wondering why some of those people couldn't find it in them to really love me like I loved them, flaws and all. But in the end when I am cleansed of all these unhealthy relationships that are putting so much unhappiness into my life I will be happy and my marriage will thrive from it and my children will thrive and life will be better.

Happy 2008 and may you find the courage to do what you want to do!