I couldn't decide where this post should go, on my blog or the boys blog. It seems that sometime in the last couple of weeks I have gone from "Mommy" to just plain ol' "Mom". Logan started calling me mom first, but of course Kolby picked it right up and instead of "Mama" I am now just "Ma". I have to be honest, I hate "Mom". It makes me sound so old, it makes my kids sound much older. I mean didn't they get the memo that you stay mommy for a long time, I mean at least until they are 10 or something. Anyways, I decided that this really has all to do with me and my feelings and very little to do with the boys. So all things considered I figured this should be on my blog and not theirs.
So here it goes, my rant, my rave, my sadness in saying good-bye to the title of "Mommy" and adapting to the new title of "Mom". I am not happy about this. It makes me sad and it makes me feel like I am losing my babies. And maybe you don't think it is such a big deal, but really it is. I mean when our kids are little they call us mommy so affectionately and then as they get older and more obnoxious they call us mom. I really am still a mommy, I mean my kids are 5 and barely 2. Give me a break. Where does Logan get off thinking that it is alright to call me mom? I asked him why he calls me mom and he said, "Well isn't that your name?" BRAT!!! I told him no, my name is mommy and he tells me "Well it's all the same thing" Umm , NO IT IS NOT!!! I swear, someone please send him the memo. And now he's got his brother doing the whole Ma thing and I swear that is even more annoying than Mom. The thing is I know my anger is stemming from my sadness and my heart hurting so bad. I just feel like it is one more slap in the face that my baby is really not a baby. I mean I can look at him and see that he is not a baby, but I didn't need that reminder constantly when he calls my name. Mommy just sounds like a little boy and it sounds just so much sweeter. Now I have Mom and that just sounds like a pre-teen who is getting on my nerves. It doesn't sound sweet when he is crying or begging for something, no it sounds obnoxious and it sounds irritating. It is the constant reminder that my little boy is quickly becoming something else. It is just plain out sucky that he is growing up. I don't know maybe I am taking it all a little hard, but really if you are not a mommy you just can't understand.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Those Dirty Little Secrets...
You know the ones that I am talking about. The secrets that we keep hidden in the depths of our soul. The secrets that we pretend don't exist. The secrets that we lie about and would never say out loud for fear that they might be true. You know those secrets if you are a woman. Some of them are silly, some of them are sound, some are down right horrible, and others we don't think about them much less speak of them. Well, recently we have begun to watch Moment of Truth on TV and I have to say I would love to go on the show. Not because I think I can get to the top, no I don't even want to get to 100 thousand dollars. Nope I just want to answer enough to get to 25 thousand and say thank you Mark and walk away. I always think about what kind of questions they could ask, I mean they can't ask anything about you before you turned 18, but then again I wasn't so bad before 18. I had my moments, but knowing that the college years or even the recent years are fair game leave me a little uneasy. I mean some of the questions that these people answer are just way more than I could say. I mean they ask those questions that the answers fall into the category of I do not want to say this out loud. I mean the way people hurt their families and end relationships is insane and all to make money. We always sit amazed at how little it takes for some to ruin a relationship or hurt a mother. How without even thinking they sit on national TV and say things about themselves. No I would never go on that show, even though the questions aren't so hard to get $25,000. I just couldn't risk my life and me the way those people do.
But it does get you wondering about the little things in life that we keep hidden. You know, those dirty little secrets. I mean Eric knows all there is to know about me when it come to things that I have done. But, how much does he know about how I really feel about life. Or even worse what about the secrets that we lie about so that no one really knows how we feel. Simple things that really don't matter, we just get into the routine of saying this or that and it's just not really what we feel. I wonder after digging what kind of questions would the show come up with and how would I answer them. I mean would I answer them honestly? Maybe what I thought was the truth wouldn't really be the truth. I mean that's kind of scary. So I have thought and thought about the questions that they would ask, I mean some of them are just questions that they ask of all married people on the show so I just assume they would ask me and others are things that I assume they will dig up when they interrogate my family and friends. So here are the questions, not the answers. Sorry, if you want the answers you will have to wait and see if I ever get the courage up to try out for the show.
Have you ever been attracted to another man since you met Eric? Have you ever regretted getting married so young? Have you ever regretted having your children so quickly after getting married? Have you ever felt like your miscarriages were your fault? Do you ever feel guilty that Kolby has Hemophilia? Have you ever done something with an other man since you met Eric that would upset him? Do you regret not finishing college before you got married? Do you want to have more children? Do you have the relationship with your mother that you want to have? Do you feel like you are a disappointment to your parents? Do you ever feel like Eric deserves someone better than yourself? Do you feel things were left unsaid before your grandmother died? Do you feel guilty that you didn't spend more time with your great-grandparents before they died? Do you feel that you are a good mother? Do you feel like Eric is still attracted to you? Do you believe that your husband would cheat on you?
Those are just some of the questions that I really wonder if I could answer honestly and if what I thought was honest would really be honest. It's an interesting exercise in self knowledge. I have actually thought of making a book of questions and answers that I go though and answer completely and honestly. I mean when we look deep down into our souls for the honest answer, we can often find it, even if it is not the answer that we like. I always think the one benefit from the show is that people have things out in the open, so no matter how screwed up things are at least it is out there and now they can work on it and move forward with it. I mean how many people lose someone that they love and they wish they had said this or they wish they had said that and now they can't. At least these people have the option of working things out and getting things said. Not a bad thing at all. Enough rambling for today.
But it does get you wondering about the little things in life that we keep hidden. You know, those dirty little secrets. I mean Eric knows all there is to know about me when it come to things that I have done. But, how much does he know about how I really feel about life. Or even worse what about the secrets that we lie about so that no one really knows how we feel. Simple things that really don't matter, we just get into the routine of saying this or that and it's just not really what we feel. I wonder after digging what kind of questions would the show come up with and how would I answer them. I mean would I answer them honestly? Maybe what I thought was the truth wouldn't really be the truth. I mean that's kind of scary. So I have thought and thought about the questions that they would ask, I mean some of them are just questions that they ask of all married people on the show so I just assume they would ask me and others are things that I assume they will dig up when they interrogate my family and friends. So here are the questions, not the answers. Sorry, if you want the answers you will have to wait and see if I ever get the courage up to try out for the show.
Have you ever been attracted to another man since you met Eric? Have you ever regretted getting married so young? Have you ever regretted having your children so quickly after getting married? Have you ever felt like your miscarriages were your fault? Do you ever feel guilty that Kolby has Hemophilia? Have you ever done something with an other man since you met Eric that would upset him? Do you regret not finishing college before you got married? Do you want to have more children? Do you have the relationship with your mother that you want to have? Do you feel like you are a disappointment to your parents? Do you ever feel like Eric deserves someone better than yourself? Do you feel things were left unsaid before your grandmother died? Do you feel guilty that you didn't spend more time with your great-grandparents before they died? Do you feel that you are a good mother? Do you feel like Eric is still attracted to you? Do you believe that your husband would cheat on you?
Those are just some of the questions that I really wonder if I could answer honestly and if what I thought was honest would really be honest. It's an interesting exercise in self knowledge. I have actually thought of making a book of questions and answers that I go though and answer completely and honestly. I mean when we look deep down into our souls for the honest answer, we can often find it, even if it is not the answer that we like. I always think the one benefit from the show is that people have things out in the open, so no matter how screwed up things are at least it is out there and now they can work on it and move forward with it. I mean how many people lose someone that they love and they wish they had said this or they wish they had said that and now they can't. At least these people have the option of working things out and getting things said. Not a bad thing at all. Enough rambling for today.
Monday, June 16, 2008
He turned 5....
Sat. June 14th Logan turned 5 years old. That is such a big number for such a little boy. This is the age that I have been dreading since the day he was born. I knew at 5 I would have to send him off to elementary school all day long and I realized long ago that once that happens you get to the finish line way to fast. I just know that the next 13 years will fly by so fast. Before I even know it I won't recognize the man in front of me as the baby I gave birth to. He is already looking so much older, like a boy, not a toddler or a preschooler, but a boy. He is already so much smarter, you can't play those little tricks on him to get him to accept what you want him to. He is already questioning the world around him and asking amazing questions that I never thought to ask. 5 is such a big number and he barely resembles the baby that I knew. The baby that I held in my arms at countless doctors appointments, the baby that I begged to let go of the furniture and take that first step, the baby that crawled up to me and said "mama" for the first time. No he doesn't really resemble that baby anymore, but he doesn't resemble the toddler that I taught how to ride a tricycle. He doesn't resemble the toddler that tried to help his daddy mow the lawn or the the toddler we first took on a fishing boat. He doesn't resemble the toddler that we had to bribe into wearing a Halloween costume. No he doesn't resemble that toddler anymore, but he barely resembles the preschooler I took to school last year for his first day of VPK. He barley resembles the little guy who would come home and tell me about his three best girls or the little guy who did an amazing job at the Christmas Show and had a smile from one ear to the other. He barely resembles him and I only wonder where they all went. I am glad that I can still see them in my head and even sometimes when he kisses me good night I see that baby looking up at me and I have to smile that much bigger. But then I get sad, because I know all to well how quickly this will pass and one day I will be longing for this little boy and he too will only be a vision in my head. I think it is all so unfair how quickly our children grow and how quickly they disappear and change right before our very eyes. I use to tell people that I didn't mind getting up for midnight feedings or rocking my babies to sleep. People would tell me I was crazy to put them down in the crib and just let them go to sleep like that and not to feed them in the middle of the night because they were getting to big. I am so glad that I listened to my gut and that I did what I wanted, because every time I put Logan to bed was one more minute I had with him. And every time I got up at night was just a couple of more hours that I got to hold him and stare at his little baby face and hold his little baby hands. Those moments are few and far between in the grand scheme of life and I am so glad that I took them and cherished them for what they were. You can't get them back, no matter how hard you try. And trust me, I have tried.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Speaking of...
old friends, I got a birthday text message today from a very old friend. We met in college and we were best of friends right from the start. We did some crazy things together. She held my hand and wiped my tears through some really difficult times, she encouraged me when I needed it, we partied together, we even named a drink together...The Reddington...which I still drink sometimes when I am at a party. And the truth is every time I make that drink I think of her. She was there when I got engaged and she was a bridesmaid when I got married and she came and helped to clean my house a week after my first son was born. Needless to say she moved away and my life got really crazy with a constantly sick baby and the truth being I suck at staying in touch with people and we lost touch. I don't know why, because she is honestly the type of person you should never lose touch with. She is the type of person that you want to grow old with and re tell crazy stories with time and time again.
Today I got a text message asking wishing me birthday wishes and I called the number just to see who it was because I didn't have a clue. Needless to say I was mighty surprised at the voice on the other end of the phone. I was touched that such an old friend that I have loved for so many years would reach out and remember my birthday. I had been meaning to write her(point be taken of how crappy I am at keeping in touch) to let her know that I had lost my great-grandparents and my grandmother at the beginning of the year and she told me that she already knew because she had read my blog and then someone else filled her in. I was touched that she still reads my blog and thinks about me. You know sometimes you wonder if the people who meant so much to you actually felt that you meant something to them. Today I found out that our friendship was really mutual and that she must still think of me too. I was even more touched when I checked my mailbox(the snail mail) and I found a card with a very nice thought inside and I remembered all the great memories and why I loved her so dearly. I remembered what an awesome friend she had always been and will always be. I am really hoping that we can keep in touch better and when she comes home we can see each other once in a while and hopefully we will grow old and when we are old we will retell the stories about a drink called "The Reddington" time and time again.
You know who you are and now I know that you actually read this so thank you for making what wasn't such a great birthday an awesome birthday after all. I know Sylvia is up there working and making it great through those people in my life. I hope I get to see you soon...Thank you for all the great times we had and thank you for still being a friend.
Andrea
Today I got a text message asking wishing me birthday wishes and I called the number just to see who it was because I didn't have a clue. Needless to say I was mighty surprised at the voice on the other end of the phone. I was touched that such an old friend that I have loved for so many years would reach out and remember my birthday. I had been meaning to write her(point be taken of how crappy I am at keeping in touch) to let her know that I had lost my great-grandparents and my grandmother at the beginning of the year and she told me that she already knew because she had read my blog and then someone else filled her in. I was touched that she still reads my blog and thinks about me. You know sometimes you wonder if the people who meant so much to you actually felt that you meant something to them. Today I found out that our friendship was really mutual and that she must still think of me too. I was even more touched when I checked my mailbox(the snail mail) and I found a card with a very nice thought inside and I remembered all the great memories and why I loved her so dearly. I remembered what an awesome friend she had always been and will always be. I am really hoping that we can keep in touch better and when she comes home we can see each other once in a while and hopefully we will grow old and when we are old we will retell the stories about a drink called "The Reddington" time and time again.
You know who you are and now I know that you actually read this so thank you for making what wasn't such a great birthday an awesome birthday after all. I know Sylvia is up there working and making it great through those people in my life. I hope I get to see you soon...Thank you for all the great times we had and thank you for still being a friend.
Andrea
Monday, May 5, 2008
Friends...Old & New
Before everything went wrong at the beginning of the year I had acquired a mom's group here in Spring Hill. I really like the concept behind this group so I said sure I can handle it and didn't really appreciate how much work it takes to get it going and keep it running. Nor did I ever consider how hard it is to be the one in charge. Now that everything is over with and my life is trying to get back to normal I have been re-focused to this group and have been really trying to get it going again. YIKES!
I can say though that I really do enjoy most of the relationships that have been formed through mom's groups. I have had some friends going on 3 years and I have recently met some new, really cool moms that I love. Some of the old friends are friends that I knew and lost contact with and some are friends that have been true through the past 3 years. I am really glad to be rekindling some older relationships. I remember why I loved those moms in the first place. They are just good, fun, comical ladies that I can really share my days with. They make me laugh and they listen to me cry and they are more than willing to have a little more than a few drinks with me at MNO. They really understand what being a mom, wife, friend is all about. They understand what my life is right now, right here. They understand who I am. I know that I am blessed to share my life with these ladies and I am twice blessed that God continues to send new moms to our group when one mom chooses to leave. I am blessed with the new friendships that I am forming and that these ladies are just as awesome and totally fit in with us. I am truly blessed.
I encourage all moms to find a mom's group in their area. The friendship that other moms give is amazing and if not life saving, it is at least sanity saving. I know it has saved whatever sanity I have left.
I can say though that I really do enjoy most of the relationships that have been formed through mom's groups. I have had some friends going on 3 years and I have recently met some new, really cool moms that I love. Some of the old friends are friends that I knew and lost contact with and some are friends that have been true through the past 3 years. I am really glad to be rekindling some older relationships. I remember why I loved those moms in the first place. They are just good, fun, comical ladies that I can really share my days with. They make me laugh and they listen to me cry and they are more than willing to have a little more than a few drinks with me at MNO. They really understand what being a mom, wife, friend is all about. They understand what my life is right now, right here. They understand who I am. I know that I am blessed to share my life with these ladies and I am twice blessed that God continues to send new moms to our group when one mom chooses to leave. I am blessed with the new friendships that I am forming and that these ladies are just as awesome and totally fit in with us. I am truly blessed.
I encourage all moms to find a mom's group in their area. The friendship that other moms give is amazing and if not life saving, it is at least sanity saving. I know it has saved whatever sanity I have left.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
One of Those Days...
It's only 9:34am as I sit here and write this, but after having breakfast with my 2 boys I can already tell it's going to be one of those days. You know what I am talking about if you have ever lost someone you loved so much, lost someone who made such an impact on your life you couldn't possibly explain it to someone so you worry that maybe with time that person's memory will slip away. It's one of those days where I am going to hold back tears all day long. It's one of those days where everything I do or everything I see is going to remind me of her. It's one of those days where all those regrets come flooding forth and even though I know I did good by her in life, I feel like I should have done so much more. One of those days where no matter how long or how hard I try I can't think of something I did to make her happy, just the things I did to piss her off. Yep, it's one of those days. I knew it was going to be one of those days around 3:30am when I woke up from a dream. A really weird dream, she called me on my cell phone and I knew she was gone, but I could hear her voice clear as day and I hand the phone to Eric and I say it's abuela and he says I'm crazy until he hears her voice and I say quick give me the phone so I can talk to her and he hangs it up and I all I can say is I wanted to say I love you, but I can't because she is gone. Yep, I knew it was going to be one of those days. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be really tough and I am going to have more of these days then the other kind of days. (You know the other kind of days, where the memories are good and they make you laugh and sometimes you can even pretend that she isn't gone...You know those kind of days) My birthday is Thurs. and Mother's Day is Sunday and we always celebrated them together, but not this year. This year we are doing them apart, because honestly it's just to hard. She always called me first thing in the morning and sang me happy birthday, no one to call me this year. Well, people will call me, but it won't be her. She won't be there when we blow out the candles. She hasn't called to say what do you want, not that I want anything, it's the routine of doing things a certain way and now it's not that way anymore. We always go to breakfast for Mother's Day and this year we are going to the cemetery first and then to breakfast. I am happy that we are going to the cemetery, because I want to take Logan. He is too little so he couldn't go into the room to see her, not just because I made the decision but because the hospital wouldn't let him. And he has had a rough time not being able to have said Good bye, so when I told him that we were going to the cemetery and that you can say whatever to a person there his little eyes got so big and said, I can say Good bye? I said yes you can and he said, Mommy I am finally going to be able to say Good bye. Poor baby, that's all he wanted, was to say good bye. Oh yeah, it's going to be one of those days.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Going Strong
Still not smoking, still on the diet and still haven't noticed a weight change. I am not suppose to weigh for one month so we shall see. I cheat sometimes at night or I miss breakfast and the diet says this first month is not all about losing weight and next month is when you really start the losing weight thing. YIPPEE! That's the month I want to jump to. But I do understand the point, this month I had to make sure I was eating three meals and two snacks, I had to make sure I was adding movement to my day, and I had to make sure I was taking my vitamins and supplements daily. I am doing all of these things, but I am not doing them everyday like I am suppose to be doing. So the book says that maybe you want to extend phase one till you have it down pat. So maybe no phase two for a couple of more weeks. Phase two is the losing weight phase and then phase three is the continue to lose or maintain phase. I really want to lose weight, but I want to be doing the other things really good when I get to that part. I have been eating healthier and using a lot of the recipes that I have found in the two books I have from the diet and once I hit phase two I will have a better idea of calories and what I should be eating to lose the weight that I want to lose. Right now, the way I feel at night I just simply hope I don't gain any weight this month.
Right now I am not really wanting a cigarette, just sometimes maybe, once in a while. But I am still looking for something to replace my smoking at night. Who knows what that will be. I have been trying to take a shower right after I eat and that is helping some and then we put the boys to bed, but still last night watching Nip Tuck I really wanted to pause it and go out to smoke. It's just a habit, now it is not the addiction of smoking it is purely the habit of smoking. I am still not drinking because I know that will push me over the edge and I don't want to go there.
As for now I am doing good and life is going along nicely. We have a ton of family time and I am really enjoying being home. Thinking maybe this weekend we can work on my room some and maybe I can get in there and start scrapbooking soon. Until next time!
Right now I am not really wanting a cigarette, just sometimes maybe, once in a while. But I am still looking for something to replace my smoking at night. Who knows what that will be. I have been trying to take a shower right after I eat and that is helping some and then we put the boys to bed, but still last night watching Nip Tuck I really wanted to pause it and go out to smoke. It's just a habit, now it is not the addiction of smoking it is purely the habit of smoking. I am still not drinking because I know that will push me over the edge and I don't want to go there.
As for now I am doing good and life is going along nicely. We have a ton of family time and I am really enjoying being home. Thinking maybe this weekend we can work on my room some and maybe I can get in there and start scrapbooking soon. Until next time!
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