One of Those Days...

It's only 9:34am as I sit here and write this, but after having breakfast with my 2 boys I can already tell it's going to be one of those days. You know what I am talking about if you have ever lost someone you loved so much, lost someone who made such an impact on your life you couldn't possibly explain it to someone so you worry that maybe with time that person's memory will slip away. It's one of those days where I am going to hold back tears all day long. It's one of those days where everything I do or everything I see is going to remind me of her. It's one of those days where all those regrets come flooding forth and even though I know I did good by her in life, I feel like I should have done so much more. One of those days where no matter how long or how hard I try I can't think of something I did to make her happy, just the things I did to piss her off. Yep, it's one of those days. I knew it was going to be one of those days around 3:30am when I woke up from a dream. A really weird dream, she called me on my cell phone and I knew she was gone, but I could hear her voice clear as day and I hand the phone to Eric and I say it's abuela and he says I'm crazy until he hears her voice and I say quick give me the phone so I can talk to her and he hangs it up and I all I can say is I wanted to say I love you, but I can't because she is gone. Yep, I knew it was going to be one of those days. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be really tough and I am going to have more of these days then the other kind of days. (You know the other kind of days, where the memories are good and they make you laugh and sometimes you can even pretend that she isn't gone...You know those kind of days) My birthday is Thurs. and Mother's Day is Sunday and we always celebrated them together, but not this year. This year we are doing them apart, because honestly it's just to hard. She always called me first thing in the morning and sang me happy birthday, no one to call me this year. Well, people will call me, but it won't be her. She won't be there when we blow out the candles. She hasn't called to say what do you want, not that I want anything, it's the routine of doing things a certain way and now it's not that way anymore. We always go to breakfast for Mother's Day and this year we are going to the cemetery first and then to breakfast. I am happy that we are going to the cemetery, because I want to take Logan. He is too little so he couldn't go into the room to see her, not just because I made the decision but because the hospital wouldn't let him. And he has had a rough time not being able to have said Good bye, so when I told him that we were going to the cemetery and that you can say whatever to a person there his little eyes got so big and said, I can say Good bye? I said yes you can and he said, Mommy I am finally going to be able to say Good bye. Poor baby, that's all he wanted, was to say good bye. Oh yeah, it's going to be one of those days.