Day 6

With 5 full days down and working on day 6 I guess it is time to talk about me and my quest to be smoke free. First of all if I am going to be totally honest about this then I have to say that I don't really want to quit smoking. I like smoking. It is an outlet for me. It is a social thing for me. It is something that I do to quite down at the end of a long day, it is a release of negative energy. I like smoking and it is something that I have done off and on for close to 12 years.

I quit smoking with each pregnancy and something brought me back each time. After Logan when I started and then quit it was because his doctor told us that the smoke on us was making Logan sick. I quit on my way out the office and I didn't really think about it unless I was drinking or something. I don't remember when I started again, but I know I was smoking at least casually when I got pregnant with Kolby. I think it was all the stress from the 2 miscarriages that took me back to smoking before Kolby. Then with Kolby I quit and when I went to work at Toys R Us at the beginning of 2007 I started smoking again because everyone else did and it was something to do. Basically I can use whatever excuse I want, but I started because the opportunity was there and I could and I wanted to.

So here we are 2008 and I am yet again quiting. It's not a resolution, I mean who keeps a resolution? So I didn't say it was my resolution, I just announced for weeks in advance that I was quiting with the new year. The new year came a little sooner than I expected, but all good things come to an end. I know that smoking is so bad for me and I know that I am going to kill myself one way or another if I keep smoking and I don't want that so here I am, giving up something I love an awful lot.

Day 6 and I am missing my cigarettes. During the day is not so hard, unless I am in the car. Night is a little harder because that is when I do the majority of my smoking. I can sense as soon as dinner is over that I am looking for that break that moment that belongs to me when I go outside and all is silence. So far it seems that with each passing day it is getting harder not easier and I am not sure what day 12 or day 16 is going to feel like. I know that I will find out sooner than later and hopefully life will get easier and I will find some substitute that will satisfy me. Hopefully.